An Apology to Myself

I’m sorry grief.

I didn’t realize you where there.

I didn’t recognize your face at first.

I didn’t see you until I was tripping over you, asking you to move out of the way.

I had more important things to do.

I was busy trying to save the world.

I cleaned up your pee on the ground.

I tried to suppress my own guilt and shame.

I had crossed boundaries and you had crossed mine.

But I loved you so immensely.

I didn’t know your name grief,

until I lost everything,

and then I was reborn again.

I stopped seeing beauty all around me.

I was scared to open my eyes.

To turn on the news.

To open a book.

I saw hurt, I saw pain.

Everywhere I looked I saw pain.

I was in pain.

I lost touch with reality,

with the earth.

I thought I could reach heaven.

But I was already here.

I was already here in heaven.

I am home now.

I once again

see beauty all around me.

(If I don't watch the news).

I once again see your smile and your joy.

I am finding safe spaces to express my rage.

My hurt.

My pain.

The sudden waves of uncontrollable sadness.

My eyes open like faucets and it starts to pour.

I broke into a thousand little pieces.

And I am in the process of rebuilding myself.

Remembering who I am.

Oh, hello there.

I remember you.

You are beautiful.

You are blessed.

You are loved.

I do see your pain.

I do love you.

Can you see my pain?

I'm pretty good at hiding it.